Julie Asks – Am I an Adult Yet?

Swine Flu is starting to really irritate me.  For starters, there is something utterly disgusting about the mere association between pigs and my well being.  At least with the last recent public health freak out, Avian Flu, there was, at the very least, an ethereal, almost romantic feel to it.   The media’s new push to refer to Swine Flu by its clinical name – H1N1 –  supports my criticism, yet ignores my true desire that they stop talking about it all together.

I know it is serious.  I acknowledge that it is frightening and creepy and generally unpleasant.  I also know that, aside from that which one would hope we all do anyway, there is precious little we can do to avoid it.  I will continue to wash my hands – and if no soap and water is available, I will Purell myself silly.  Door knobs, escalator railings, public bathrooms  and ATM machines will remain on my enemy list.   I will cease licking banisters and eating moldy food off dirty mall tables.  Sharing Kleenex with strangers will be verboten.  And I will never again, step foot in any edifice deemed public.

What bears acknowlegment is that people have called me a pre-worrier.  (By people I mean by my brother).  I have a tendency to create a “what if” list in my head which often involves, ironically, illness of some sort.   

What if we are fill in the blank and someone gets sick with fill in the blank…?”

I do this a lot.  So one might think that I would be freaking out over this impending pandemic.  I am not.  I am, however, become increasingly beside myself over the fact that everyone else is.  It is virtually impossible to get away from.  Isn’t Lindsay misbehaving somewhere?  Hasn’t Obama done something egregious?  Aren’t people talking about Phil Markoff and the fact that he was a “loner”?  And how ’bout the economy?  Surely there is something to talk about other than R2D2 or H1N1 or whatever the hell it is called.

It is hard to believe that April vacation provided so little blog worthy material!  Everyone is back at school now, with the next vacation being the big one — summer.  Now, despite the dearth of great stories, I, of course, do have some random thoughts:

1. Why, exactly, do our children need vacations in February and April?  Isn’t the summer sufficient?

2. And why do Georgie and Rich both have convertibles, but I don’t?

3. Rich and I went out to dinner the other night and I didn’t know 90% of the words on the menu.  $100 later I had a piece of fish.  I think.

4. I cannot find my cool camouflage shorts.  I checked Harrison’s drawer to make sure they hadn’t wound up in there only to discover that he owns five pair of camo shorts.  Is that odd?

5. Something is wrong with the ceiling fan in Georgie’s room.  It has one speed – supersonic – and I fear it will literally take off.

6. Facebook continues to, yes, awe me.

7. My “good husband/good father” training has shown signs of success with Harrison.  Georgie – well, that’s anybody’s bet.

8. I went to two markets this weekend, spent $200, had two great lunches and one great dinner and am now out of food.

9. I’ve heard Vermont is nice this time of year.

10. My therapist is sick.  Really sick.  Is that allowed?

11. People keep telling me to get published…might just try to.

12. I have a wall next to my desk dedicated to holiday cards from friends with their kids’ pictures.  I look at them everyday (and swear that this year I will get it together and send one of my own)

13. It is supposd to be 80 degrees today and 90 degrees tomorrow.  I take issue with that.  In fact, I take it personally.  Oh, and I hate the heat.

14. “Hotel for Dogs” is out on DVD tomorrow.  I will have it by noon.

15. It irked me when the girl at the deli counter weighed my gazpacho salad after putting the lid on the container…I actually made her reweigh it.  It was $.60 less.  My brother, husband and son were horrified.  I saved $.60.

16. I am sometimes intimidated by how much more artisitically capable Georgie is than I ever will be.

17. Tomorrow I may do “Hour of Power” followed by Pilates.  I may, however, not.

18. Last night, in one of my many parental sacrifices, I let Harrison eat my last two light string cheeses. 

19. Kids keep telling me my house is cooler than theirs.  I’m unsure if they are referring to the food or the parents.  I’m going with the parents…

20. I have visions of Chipotle salads dancing in my head.

21. I was truly saddened when Kristen got voted out of “Biggest Loser”.

22. I tried the new handheld scanners at Stop N Shop yesterday…I think it was the highlight of my weekend.

23. We’re going to our first lesbian wedding this summer. 

24. Today is the first in nine that the house actually feels eerily quiet.  I’m good with it.

25. I heard on the news that some school systems are thinking of having shorted school days in an effort to save money.  I say, “noooooooooooo”

I was sure that yesterday, April vacation day two, was going to prove blogworthy.  My house was the afternoon entertainment for 14 fourteen year olds and one seven year old.  Surely something of note would occur and, voila, I’d be posting.  But, alas, it was decidedly uneventful therefore leaving me with no good material.  But fear not!  Here we are on April vacation day three and I have material once again. 

I got up this morning knowing only one thing about the day ahead…I had an appointment to have my nails done at 10 and could think of nothing that would prevent me from going.  I was up, showered and ready to go by 7:30.  I forced myself to wait until 9:30 to leave (even though the salon is three minutes away) and left Georgie strict instruction to sit on the sofa, watch t.v. and not wake Harrison up unless the house was on fire.  (Is that bad?)  I knew, if nothing else, I was going to get one solid hour to myself – the rest of the day was anyone’s guess.

Upon my arrival home, I found Georgie in the aforementioned position with a pile of empty Danimal containers littering the floor around him.  (Yes, I have the empty beer bottle visual, too, but, c’mon, he is only seven!) Harrison, in all his teenagehood, was still asleep.  Alas, the house had not burned down.  My hour alone was a memory.  I now had seven more to fill before I got to punch out and head for a dinner with my girlfriend.  I know…let’s go to the movies!  Sure, it is sunny, 65 degrees and beautiful out now, but the weatherman assured me that it was going to rain this afternoon.  We’ll have lunch, head to the movies and, voila, the day is a success.  

Not so fast.  We (and by we I mean just me and Georgie – Harrison was having none of this movie stuff and had to be at work at three, so he would hold down the fort without us) were off.  First, I needed to stop at the bank to get some money and, out of laziness and anticipation of rain, head to the drive through around the corner.  This particular one has two lanes – one for the ATM and one for the teller, complete with one of those cool suction thingies that suck up your transaction and magically shoot it to the teller on the other side of the microphone.  That, right there, was my undoing. 

Hey, Mom…remember that place we went that has one of those that the kids get to play with?

Yeah, I remember – it is the Museum of Science.  Uh-oh…I’m toast.

Okay, I can do this.  Despite being a science moron I agree to make the trek into Cambridge and, along with every other school aged child and their burning (or already burnt) out parents, do the Museum thing.  After shaking off my confusion over how to get there (wait, maybe I am not a science moron, but just a full fledged moron!) we are off.

 As we pull into the garage it appears that every minivan and SUV this side of I don’t know what is already there.  I circle up to the fourth floor and there is a spot directly across from the elevator.  Victory #1. 

When we get into the line to buy our tickets there are only a dozen or so families ahead of us.  Victory #2.

Our turn comes up and we approach the desk.  “Two for the exhibition halls, please.” Only $35.  Hmmmm.  Wait, we used to be members once…are we still.  Type, type, type…”no, ma’am”.  Hmmmm…I can pay $35 today for the two of us or $100 for a membership and then we can all come as a family every weekend!  “Ya know, I think we’ll re-join!”  Victory #3 (this one, however, is for the Museum!)

First stop?  The suction thingy.  I happen to know precisely where it is and that we’ll have to walk past the gift shop in order to get there.  It is now that I lay down the law and give Georgie strict instructions to not even ask for something in the gift shop.  Don’t even look in that direction.  Don’t even think it!  We arrive at the suction thingy, watch it shoot up one wall, across the ceiling and down the other when Georgie’s announces he’s done.  DONE!?!  Please define “done.”  Fortunately (for him) he was done with that exhibit…not the museum.

Next stop – the electricity show.  Despite the fact that the show was starting in 3 minutes, Georgie managed to squeeze (and push and shove a little) into a primo spot.  I sunk back toward the wall and started composing my Mother of the Year nomination.  Another mother next to me started to think about panicking about not being able to see her little cherub but I saved the day by sidling up to her and reminding her, “they always come back…”  (was that bad?)

On we go to various exhibits none of which I could even pretend to explain to him.  (I have high hopes that my repeated reminders that Daddy know this stuff and now we are members will have seeped into his subconscious and I might get a Saturday afternoon off one of these days.)  He was unphased by my ignorance (is that bad?) and continued to move throughout. 

His final request?  A ride on the simulator.   There was pretty much nothing on earth that could have gotten me on that, but, to his credit, he said he not only didn’t mind if I didn’t join him, but was also cool with waiting in line for 30 minutes for the privilege of being made dizzy.  I took a seat, checked my Facebook, and waited for him to be done.

Now, everything would have been totally fine, but that damned simulator is right next to, you guessed it, the gift shop.  I saw the twinkle in his eye and knew what was about to happen but decided to live on the edge a little and let him “just look” for a minute.  (There is no such thing as a seven year old “just looking” in a gift shop.  I know that.  You know that…everyone knows that.)  Just after my announcement that it was time to leave Georgie approached me with a package of dinosaur capsules (you put them in water, they turn into, yup, dinosaurs) with a pricetag of $3.99. 

So, I ask you, on this, April vacation day three…did I buy them?

Today is day one of April vacation.  (Faithful readers will recall that February vacation found me, alone with Georgie while Rich and Harrison were touring the Holy Land, hanging on by a thread as the days ticked on.)  This time Rich and Harrison are both stateside so one might think that I will have an easier go of it.  Not so sure of that. 

The day itself was fine – I slept a little later than usual and not only attended, but thoroughly enjoyed, my Monday morning Pilates class.  As I was leaving the gym Harrison called suggesting I take a slight detour to Dunkin’ Donuts and bring home his regular – sausage, egg and cheese on a plain bagel, lightly toasted and something for Georgie – one each of glazed and jelly donuts.  Easy enough.  I threw in a large iced decaf, drop of milk, one sugar (yup, I take real sugar).  Things were getting off to a more than acceptable start.

In the ten minutes it takes to make the drive home, I get another phone call from the house – this time it is both boys, one on each extension, carrying on about the other one.  My initial reaction was to take the sandwich and bagels (but definitely not my coffee) and toss it out the window.  I thought better of it, assured them I was on my way, took a deep breath and continued home.

By the time I stepped into the kitchen everyone seemed to have pulled themselves together, thereby lulling me into a false sense of calm.  It was quickly apparent, however, that we needed an activity of some sort.  Let the negotiations begin.

The last time Georgie had a haircut was while we were in Florida over February vacation.  We were long overdue, yet never managed to check it off our to do list this past week or weekend.  I told him we were going to take care of that today to which he responded, “sure, after we go to Plaster Fun Time”.  Let me make one thing perfectly clear — there had been no prior discussion about going apainting, yet his delivery lead to me believe that it had long ago been determined we were going and I simply forgot.  Damn, he’s good.

Harrison, because he is fourteen and would rather die than be seen out with his mother and brother anywhere, let alone somewhere as juvenile as Plaster Fun Time, make it very clear he was not going to be joining us.  Fine with me.  So off we went – just me and Georgie.  And here is how the day progressed from there:

1. Arrive at PFT.  Steer him towards $8.99 wall.  Somehow end up at $28.99 wall. 

2. Spend two hours painting.  Get into a heated debate over finish — shiny or sparkly? (One victory for me!)

3. Realize it is 2:30 and we’ve not eaten and head across the street to, you guessed it, McDonald’s.  I know the drill – he gets the Happy Meal and then approaches pimply cashier requesting a different toy.  He always, every single time, gets one.

4. Drive to Barber Shop #1 only to discover that, despite its 13 1/2 barbers, has the audacity to be closed.  It is now that Georgie says that the haircut will have to wait for another day.  Nope, I’m gonna be victorious again if it is the last thing I do.

5. Head back to retrieve our now dry creations at PFT and, in carrying out to the car, manage to get red paint all over my shirt – not from the art but from the damned box I was given to carry it out in.  Crap.

6. Head to Barber Shop #2.  Seven barbers on duty, only one with a client.  Success.  Haircut – done.

7. Call from Harrison, he needs blank CDs.  I have to stop and get them.  I literally told him that I would but only if he would make me a kick ass CD.  He agreed, I stopped.  I am officially getting tired.

8. Arrive home, and boys immediately start irritating one another (but mostly me) and I tell them to go to their respective rooms and leave me alone.

9. I start dinner…spaghetti and meat sauce.  Phone rings.  Rich, telling me he is en route home and, thanks, anyway, but he’s going to have some tuna. Ummmm…I don’t think so.  He had spaghetti with the rest of us.

10. Georgie wants a bath.  (What???  He’s been showering (and using up all my yummy smelling shampoo) for years now…what’s this bath crap?)  Fine.  I decide I’ve had a sufficient number of victories today so let him have the damned bath.  Then I made the fatal mistake of lying down and flipping on the t.v. (and, wouldn’t you know it…an episode of “The Real Housewives of New York” that I haven’t seen is on!) I am officially punched out.  But, wait, Rich just left for the gym and Georgie is in the tub.  Once again, crap.

11. I announce to my children that I am done for the day.  Harrison doesn’t much care – he is pretty well set with his iTouch, Blackberry, laptop and Bose noise cancelling headphones.  Georgie, however, is angling for books, backrubs and promises of endless entertainment tomorrow.  Nope.  I instructed him to brush his teeth, use the potty and get in bed.  And, I said, “if you are still awake when daddy gets home, he will read to you.”  That is sure to piss Rich off, but…

And today is only Monday!

Random Thoughts.  Again.

1. I truly believe that SpongeBob is available for viewing at any time of the day or night…without the aid of a DVR.

2. The only thing better than eating ice cream in the middle of the day is doing it with a seven year old.

3. I have the power to scare Harrison by sending him a text that says, “I want to talk to you immediately after school” He learned that the hard way today.

4. Facebook continues to awe me.

5. I have gone to five stores looking for Neutrogena Sugar Scrub to no avail.  This depresses me.

6. The smell of Georgie’s feet at the end of the day regularly clears rooms.

7. I fed my kids a delicious Shabbat dinner of McDonald’s tonight.  I’m okay with it.

8. I definitely have the best best friend anyone could ask for.

9. I always tell Harrison that some people peak in 8th grade.  Every day someone else proves that to be true.

10. Today’s weather was what I consider perfection.

11. Despite what people keep telling me, I think I do want a convertible!

12. Good news: Harrison is our regular babysitter now.  Bad news: His social calendar is such that he is never available!

13. Every once in a while I Google myself.

14. I wonder if anyone ever Googles me.

15. Given the opportunity, I would go to the movies every night of the week.

16. As of right now, the highlight of vacation week is going to be a visit to Plaster Fun Time.

17. Georgie is planted in front of the t.v. with a glazed over look but I am okay with it.

18. I am way better at dispensing good advise than at following it.

19. Knows my boys are growing up…they each have an answer to the age old questions: “Ginger or Marianne” and “Samantha or Jeannie”

20. Utz Darks are addictive.

21. I love that, when he returns from tonight’s dance, Harrison will tell me how many girl’s numbers he collected.

22. “Oh, snap” says it all.

23. Seriously, Georgie is the happiest person on the planet.

24. I had sushi for lunch, but want it for dinner.  Is that allowed?

25. One can never have enough silver bracelets.

I’ve just returned home after logging 90 minutes on the playground after school.  What should be a benign, enjoyable and even fun activity often goes negative on me and it usually begins with someone under four feet tall coming over to me saying, “Georgie’s mom?”  It is at the moment that my initial reaction is to deny knowing anyone by the name of Georgie and certainly not willingly copping to being the mom of the very Georgie in question.   Although today’s romp was relatively uneventful there was, of course, one incident.

I take pride in not being the parent who says, “not my kid”.  To the contrary, I am the one who assumes it is my kid.  That being said, today kind of irked me.  Georgie was sitting on the bench by the school’s front circle with his partner in crime, a little girl and nearby is another one of their classmates – an especially cute little boy.  While enjoying a conversation with a group of other moms I notice out of the corner of my eye that Georgie has been approached by another mother and, based upon the body language, she wasn’t complementing him on his adorableness.  I calmly approach and am greeted by said mother who is  one of those “not my kid” moms who I loathe and detest.  She proceeds to go after me and I proceed to ignore her.  It is then that Georgie and his supposed “victim” approach me and, after a little prodding, both admit to their respective roles in the preceding altercation.  Regular seven year old boy stuff – no blood, no broken bones, no missing clumps of hair — just one kid who happens to have a loud cry (heretofore known as “victim”) and another (mine) who tends toward the aggressive.  The horrified mother is standing by huffing and grunting while the “victim’s” babysitter sidles up to me to tell me that her charge didn’t start to cry until the other mother came after them.  Yet, I, once again, felt the humiliation of the perception that I sent Georgie off to the playground and told him to push someone.  (I would never tell him to push someone!  Kick, maybe, but never push!)

What  differentiated today from playground incidents past was that when this died down I simply walked back to the group of nice women I had been talking with without engaging in any sort of follow up with out-of-line mom.  Gotta say, it felt pretty good. 

Georgie went on to play for many more minutes with only one visit to me from a seven year old, which, of course, started off with, “Georgie’s mom?”  This kid only wanted to know where Georgie was so they could play.  That felt even better.

Another set of random thoughts, this time on a rainy Saturday:

1. It makes me a little bitter when it rains all day on a Saturday.  Just ain’t right.

2. I want to come back to life with Georgie’s happiness quotient.  It far exceeds anyone I have ever known.

3. I find it wildly annoying that they charge an extra $3.50 for 3D glasses…I’d be just as happy seeing it (it being anything) in 2D.

4. Movie popcorn is so damned good.  I don’t like to share it, but being a mom I have to.

5. Tonight I played Scrabble with my 14 year old.  I, in his words, kicked his ass.  I don’t feel as badly about that as I think I should.

6. I stopped at Trader Joe’s today for my special milk (DairyEase – they are the only place that carries it) and left with $57 fewer dollars in my wallet.

7. There is a load of laundry in the dryer that has been there for two days.  I am quite confident that no one else in this house will take it out and fold it.  At this point, that includes me.  Until I need underwear.

8. Someone referred to me and my peers as middle aged.  I resent that.

9. A female friend of Harrison’s told him that she thinks I am pretty.  That made me way happier than I think it probably should have.

10. Last weekend I had nearly every Jewish ritual possible – a Bar Mitzvah, a Brotherhood Breakfast and a funeral.  All I needed was a Bris and I’d have covered every base.

11. I started four (okay, five) different blog posts tonight but couldn’t complete a thought.  I also have two (okay, three) books on my nightstand that I am three quarters of the way through.  Am I sensing a theme here?

12. I wonder if Seth Rogen’s weight loss will, indeed, sabotage his fame.

13. I sometimes surprise even myself with the things I remember.

14. I went just over a year without coloring my hair.  Won’t likely do that again any time soon.

15. I look forward to looking at the mail everyday, despite the fact I seldom, if ever, get anything in the mail other than bills.

16. For my birthday the one thing I requested was a subscription to “Us” magazine.  No one got it for me.  I cannot bring myself to get it for myself.  (And, yes, I prefer “Us” to “People”)

17. Laminating is cool.

18. How can there possibly be another school vacation coming up?  Really, can someone explain it to me?

19. I often wonder how I survived before texting.

20. I have a friend who just started wearing mascara.  I cannot honestly recall a time in my life when I didn’t wear mascara!

21. I never showered today.  Haven’t washed my hair in three days.  Yet, somehow, I still look  pretty good.  Go figure.

22. I have developed an addiction to Chipotle.  How depressing is that?

23. I can look out my back window and see what my neighbors are watching on t.v.  Never told them that.

24. My DVR list includes: “The Real Housewives of New York City”, “The Biggest Loser” and “The New Adventures of Old Christine”…vacuous, fat and neurotic. 

25. I am oddly uneffected by the violent sounds of “Grand Theft Auto” .