Julie Asks – Am I an Adult Yet?

1. Can anyone explain to me why Sharpie permanent markers only seem to be permanent on the things we don’t want them to be? 

2. And how hard is this order to process: medium diet coke in a large cup, extra ice.  It took three McDonald’s drive thru employees to figure it out.  This surprised me because I have noticed that they tend to put the top notchers on drive thru since they have to do so much multi-tasking.

3. Querie from Georgie: “What do I do if a girl comes up to me because she likes me but she doesn’t know she’s ugly?”  This makes me so proud.  I’m so glad he isn’t shallow. 

4. I am elated over the fact that the forecast calls for the three Hs…hazy, hot and humid.  Despite it being worse than gross out, it is awesome here in my house. 

5. Having moved on from his most recent term of endearment: Cupcake, Georgie has now taken to calling me Missy. 

6. I have a friend who went to the gym near her office before work one morning last week.  She shared with us on Facebook that she had forgotten some of her underpinnings.  I, of course, inquired if that meant she was going commando while at the office (note: she is a lawyer).  Here is her response:

No, not commando…let’s just say I’m not as perky as usual! Keeping my suit jacket buttoned.

I have been laughing about it ever since.  Like out loud laughing.  At random, seemingly unrelated moments.  I truly appreciate that.

7. Yesterday I took advantage of a “walk ins welcome” sign at a salon and had my nails done.  (Faithful readers know that I have manicures religiously.  They are the basis of my sanity.  Such as it is).  The woman whose chair I settled into was rude, rough, unpleasant and yappy (definitely about me) in Korean (or was it Vietnamese?) through the entire process.  The only English she seemed to have mastered was, “cash or charge?”  I sort of hated her.  She did, however, do a great job. 

8. Somehow Georgie has a laser pointer.  I believe it was originally Harrison’s (why he had one, I don’t know).  It is often used to irritate the cat (or me), or pointed at the ceiling in a dark room.  Well, Georgie, being Georgie, brought it to a whole new level.  I entered his room (one never knows what to expect when entering Georgie’s room) and there he was, in all his naked splendor when he announced to me:

Check out my laser penis

I think the visual is self explanatory.  Someday he will make some girl (as long as she isn’t ugly – see #3) very happy.

9. Harrison wrote to me from camp this week telling me that if  I sent him better packages he would send me better letters.  Is that extortion? And aren’t three packages (thus far!) sufficient?  I even took pains to hide non-melting candy (aka contraband) in each box.  Geez.

10. Rich wears a bad ass bandana on his head when we go to the pool.  It looks cool, keeps him cool and makes him think he’s cool.  What isn’t cool?  The tan line across his forehead when he takes it off.  I have photographic evidence but promised him I wouldn’t put it on Facebook.  I didn’t, however, promise not to put it in my blog…

Nahhhh…not worth it.  Anyone who wants to see if offline, I have it!

11. I recently re-read some of my old blog posts (back when I was less lazy and actually composed prose and not just numbered thoughts)…you should, too. 

12. Today is Friday.  I have not washed my hair since Sunday.  It happens to look great.  How does it feel?  Not so good.

13. Of all the women in my family, I am the tallest at 5′6″.  Others are: two at 5′, one each at 5′2″, 5′3″ and 5′4″ and one at 5′5.5″.  My oldest, bestest friend in the world is 4′10″.  I have been this tall since I was 11 years old.  I also have big feet (anywhere from a 9 to a 10), big hands (size 8.5 ring) and cannot see anything without my glasses.  Hmmm….that all must mean something.

14. I always thought I would have three children.  Given the fact I can hardly handle the two I have it seems best that we stopped when we did.

15. I was out to dinner the other night and overheard someone order an Orange Vodka and Vanilla Vodka on the rocks.  Is is just me or does that sound like the best creamsicle ever??

16. After all this Michael Jackson overload (in case you hadn’t heard, he’s dead) I was so relieved to see Jon Gosselin back on the cover of “People” this week.  Wow, that is perhaps the most pathetic thing I’ve ever written.

17. There was a little status update game happening on Facebook last week.  You were instructed to do the following:

1. Last night Rich and I went out to dinner with old friends.  It was a great evening despite the following:

a. The restaurant was empty save for the stoned wait staff.  (My grandmother always preached that an empty restaurant was a bad sign.  That, and if there were no Chinese patrons in a Chinese restaurant run, don’t walk to your car and find a new one.  She was crazy, but I think she might have been onto something with that one.)

b. As mentioned above, our waiter was stoned.  Baked.  High as a kite. Soaring.  Dreaming of Doritos.

c. Due to waiter’s altered state, not only were our drinks not replenished and our water glasses not filled, he also only managed to take in two of the four patron’s orders.  This was not clear until two plates were put down and two people were left waiting.  For twenty minutes.  It was also particularly perplexing because the two forgotten orders were the ones which included conversation, one of which I shall document:

Stoned Waiter: How would you like that cooked?

Dinner companion: How does the chef prefer to cook it?

Stoned Waiter: Rare to medium rare.

Dinner Companion: Sounds good.

Now you tell me…how can that exchange not register?  Oh, right, he was stoned.  (The waiter, that is)

d. I then took it upon myself to wave down the stoned waiter.  He, and I swear this to be true, waved back.  Then, apparently, his one remaining synapse fired and he came over.  The sight of one Seafood Fra Diavlo and one Prime Rib alongside the two hungry looking dinner companions still didn’t jar him alert.  He all but shrugged and walked away.  Time for the big guns –

Is the manager available?

e. Now young, embarassed and, I would guess, irritated owner came over, saw what was happening and assured us he would take care of things.  He did so by not only hurrying up the missing orders, but for some reason, also replacing the ones that had not only been delivered, but were half consumed (our dinner companions insisted upon our eating…went against everything I’ve been taught).  This was followed up by another round of drinks, dessert for all, coffee, the whole shebang. 

f. Then came time for the bill.  Much to our delight, not only did they comp the entire meal (and send the two of us home with the complete second set orders to boot) but also slipped us a $100 gift card.  All in all, a good feed for nothing more than a very generous tip to the unstoned waiter who took over for Spicoli. 

g. Note to self: use that gift card and use it fast.  I suspect the restaurant isn’t going to be around much longer.

2. Today Georgie went back to camp after having had a fever for the past three days.  I love my kid.  I might love camp more. 

3. New favorite show: “Nurse Jackie”

4. After having spent several thousand dollars on overnight camp for Harrison I would really appreciate it if he could manage to throw himself in front of a camera so I can have one lousy thrill from bunk1.com

5. Today I asked Georgie, I thought rhetorically, “who is better than me?”  He responded with a list of names.  See #2 above.

6. I was a little bitter today when I went for my monthly weigh in as a Lifetime Member of Weight Watchers thinking I was having a good number day only to have their freakin’ scale try to say I was up a pound.  Stupid ass scale.

7. I wore a new pair of leggings to Pilates this morning.  They have a pretty pink design at the waist complete with a “v”ed seam.  I was sure my butt was hanging out through the whole class.  My gym rat buddy assured me it wasn’t. I sincerely hope she was being honest.

8. On schedule for tomorrow: gym, appointment with oncologist (no worries, I see him every January and July), lunch with oldest bestest friend, meeting with therapist (no worries, I see her whenever I can), dinner with awesome college friends.  On schedule remainder of summer: nothing.

9. I’m trying really hard to like “Kathy Griffin, Life on the D List”.  An old (dear) friend told me she pees herself watching it.  Best I can tell, it has more to do with her aging bladder than anything else. 

10. 7:16 p.m. - Georgie watching ”Penguins of Madagascar”, Rich sitting next to him snoring.   Loudly.  He’ll deny it when we shake him.

1. For some unknown reason, Georgie has gotten into the habit of stripping down to his boxers (sidebar: there is pretty much nothing cuter than a little boy in boxers!) immediately upon entering the house at the end of the day.  While it strikes me as nothing more than eccentric, my mother in law inquired as to where he learned to do that.  Hmmm…not sure.  Rich doesn’t do.  Harrison doesn’t do it.  I certainly don’t do it.  I just chalk it up to Georgie being Georgie. 

2. When faced with a pause in conversation, all anyone seems to be able to talk about is Michael Jackson (he’s dead) and the persistent (and obnoxious) rain.  I have no interest in discussing either topic.  In fact, I want to talk about Farrah.  Really.  And did anyone know that she was only on “Charlie’s Angels” for one season?  She fought the fight and got totally dissed in the celebrity death pool.  Ain’t right.

3. I know I just avowed to being disinterested in the rain, but I do have to note that I fully believe that the only meteorological explanation for the unseasonably cold temperatures is that I put in central air.  Had I not, we’d have been facing the hottest summer to hit the Northeast in centuries.  Of that I am confident.

4. I have a dear friend who made the mistake of letting some of us know that she was embarking on a healthy eating plan.  Since her “announcement” (it wasn’t really an announcement, but has managed to take on a life of its own) she has been bombarded with unsolicited advise from those of us who are WW (that’s Weight Watchers for those of you living under a rock) disciples.  I’m guessing she wishes she’d just quietly ditched the fries for carrot sticks…

5. First letter received from Harrison while at camp:

Dear Mom and Dad (this is an improvement over years past when he only wrote Dear Mom),

I’m at camp.  It is raining.  Mom made me overpack.

Love,

Harrison

My issue with this letter? 

          a. I didn’t make him overpack.  In fact, I had virtually nothing to do with his packing.  He packed himself.

          b. We just spent over $4K on camp…and this is what I get?

6. Last night I bumped into the father (whom I haven’t seen in 35 years) of a friend (whom I haven’t seen in 35 years.)  At that very moment, that friend was having dinner with my brother (who also had not seen her in 35 years.)   C’mon, that’s bizarre.

7. Now that I have decided to do something with my resume other than have it sit on my laptop I am, for some unknown reason, unable to copy and paste it.   Coincidence?  I don’t think so.

8. Last night Rich got angry with me for gettting angry with him.  I wasn’t really angry, I was tired and irked.  Then he got angry so now I am angry.  No, not really, still irked.  No, not even irked.  Cannot even remember what it was about.

9. At 7:30 tomorrow morning I will be taking a little pill so that I will not get up and walk away when they call my name at the MRI center.  I am seeking confirmation on the herniated disc in my back.  And the pinched nerve.  And, yes, I know not to open my eyes.  I am then planning on going to the gym.  I’ll be the one wondering why the elliptical machine isn’t going anywhere…but I’ll be happy.

10. I still hate my cat.  He still hates me.  I know this because his attacks against me have not diminished.  Rather, they have increased and he seems to be getting more and more pleasure out of it.

11. Overheard on Phinneas and Ferb: “You may have my underpants.  They just got very messy” This, for some reason, cracked me up.  Another laugh out loud moment, this one from “Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs”: “Sometimes I pee in my bed” with the retort: “Sometimes I pee in your bed.”  Yes, I notice the theme.

12. I miss Georgie’s phraseology of choice last week — he was calling everybody “cupcake”.  Rich tried it, too.  It didn’t work out as well for him.

13. Tomorrow I am participating in a focus group for which I will share my opinions for 90 minutes, collect a crisp $100 for doing so and call it a day.  So what if I had to stretch the truth a little about my Pop Tart buying habits?  I am still a woman of integrity.  And grit.  Really.

14. I admit to actively missing “The Real Housewives of New Jersey”.  At this point, I’d settle for “The Real Housewives of Duluth”.  Makes me bitter about summer television. 

15. Oh, oh, oh, I just remembered that today is Wednesday and I’ve been promised an all new “Wipeout”  tonight.  All is good with the world.

1. Today is supposed to be the mark of the official start of summer — Harrison left for camp.  However, the 62 degrees, pouring rain, pounding thunder and black skies are screwing with me. 

2. In an act of genius, I opted to not start Georgie at camp until after the Fourth.  We’d hang at the pool, maybe go to the beach, ride bikes.  But, oh, wait, it has rained every day since he’s been out of school (with one exception) so we’ve been Plaster Fun Timing, movie-ing, television-ing, art project-ing for a week already.  We even went to the movies this morning only to have Georgie fall asleep in the car for 97 minutes while I drove around in the pouring rain trying to ignore: my hunger, my need to use the bathroom, my heavy eyelids and my self-berating over having cheaped out and not swung for camp this week.  Note to self: next summer, he starts the day after school.

3. I never cease to be amazed at the camp bus stop.  While Rich and I can barely contain our excitement (um, for Harrison and the great summer he is going to have…) there is always one crying mother, one parent who holds up the busses being able to pull out because they have to situate little Miriam or Jonathan (it is a Jewish camp, after all) on the bus, (how they will manage at camp without mom remains a mystery) and one dad who was so busy Blackberrying that he plum forgot to say goodbye.  I, however, am the one who lets out a loud “woo hoo” when I hear the engines fire up.  Adore my kid, but c’mon, life just got more than half as much easier in my house.

4. I laughed out loud at least three times that I can recall while watching “Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs”.

5. Georgie is sleeping at my mother’s house tonight.  His only concern is that she is able to find “Wipeout” on t.v. tonight.  I assured him that she can.  I am 75% confident in that promise.

6. Whomever wrote (and is, therefore, receiving the royalties) the SpongeBob episode where SB takes his licensing test must be a ridiculously wealthy person — I swear it is on daily.

7. George has announced to me that he is happy to be going to Nana’s tonight – “he could use a break from me”

8. I had an essay published in an online journal (http://www.survivorsreview.org/features.php?vol=9&art=132) and sent the link to several close friends as well as my oncologist.  He was the first person to respond.  It made me cry (a happy cry). 

9. I have an appointment tomorrow morning with a spine specialist (for, well, my spine).  I have been told to arrive at 6:40 a.m.  I strongly suggest he not be late.  Just sayin’…

10.  The time has come to deliver George to my mother.  I may not even take the time to finish this sentence…